Nobody really knows what’s going on with another person.  At least not entirely. A lot of people who have known me awhile were surprised to hear pieces of my experience. It’s not like I tried to hide them. If somebody would have asked, I would have told them.  

From my experience, people are not all that interested in what’s going on underneath the surface. What’s really happening.  Not because they are heartless, but rather because, in general, it’s uncomfortable. We are taught social niceties as if they are the reality of the human experience.  It’s awkward to be real, but it shouldn’t be.  We are all human after all.  Yet we are taught to position ourselves to look attractive to others in order to gain favor – as if that is what really matters – not what is actually going on underneath.  It may seem like a minor  (and maybe even pleasant) thing, to play the part, but the repercussions are huge.

Disconnection. Despite all the myriad of ways technology now allows us to connect.

Suicides right now are higher than ever.  People are fighting all over the place.  Our world is breaking down before our eyes. Nobody is getting along.  Some are even priding themselves on the division, ever stronger in their stance.

And worse yet, a lot of people are afraid, more than ever, to say anything.

More fears loom, of losing job, position and status, and the threat of harm if one doesn’t follow. 

Again, Disconnection. 

People are so attached to what they think reality is or should be or what they thought it was, that they miss what it actually is. 

People.  With wounds. Being raised by other wounded people. All are looking for love and somehow default to dysfunctional patterns that do nothing to fix those wounds (even though we tell ourselves it does) and instead, create more wounds – the very wounds that we ourselves were trying to heal.  (Hello generational patterns, genetic programming and repeat of history – thanks for joining)

It’s not anyones fault.  And yet its everybody’s fault.  Somehow we have gotten the idea that we have to look good externally to be good, to play the part that we think will ‘win’.  To somehow be better than others. (Which means someone has to be treated as less). It seems like people are afraid to be honest and real. 

People are afraid to be honest and real.

We see pictures and images of what success looks like (whatever that is) and try to become that.  I know I  did.  I unknowingly compared myself to what others said was good and the standard was set.  And I would try to meet that and would fail miserably over and over.    And if I didn’t – it wasn’t a great big success or feel great for long.  It was more like – OK, checked that box.   Maybe I got a pat on the back or felt some relief that I achieved something I had set out to do. Then what. Guess I do it all over again with something else. (Which was soul-lessly pointless to me). I had such a hard time playing the part.

I was going for what it looked like on paper, the strategy,  what should be right, what was going to keep me safe, instead of digging a bit deeper.  Instead of looking deeper into all those things I was trying to avoid for the sake of acceptance in ’looking good’ or having the ‘good life’ or avoiding a “bad” outcome.  I wasn’t tuning in.  Not really.  I knew where my buttons were, but in those early days, didn’t make the real effort to unravel them.  Instead what often came out was justification. Sure I was justified.  But justification never brings about healing and is a poor consolation prize for it. 

Avoidance is the real problem.

 

Avoidance of internal discomforts is the real problem. And everybody does it.  Those painful personal truths about who think you might be.  And the threat that those lies may tell others about you. And how they might see you. And what you think life is all about.  It creates a downward spiral. For you and every relationship you’re in.

The thing about avoidance is that it creates your own prison.  You can’t see clearly or move freely with an elephant in the room. It’ll always block you from seeing the whole picture. Years ago when I had these spells of crippling fear – I didn’t think twice about avoiding it..  A person in a place of unquestioned fear never does.  A reaction just takes over.  Even a questioned fear can bring about a strategy to mitigate risk of the fear coming to fruition – or to somehow gain power over it.   Yet another layer of allowing the fear to dictate your actions – in the way we interact with it and others.  It wasn’t until my life became physically unsustainable that I was forced to look deeper.  

And that’s the irony about fear – if you do anything other than deeply connect with it – anything to manage it or control it – it will have power over you and forever run your show.  

If you don’t connect with those deeper feelings they will always run your show

Even seemingly outwardly ‘good’ things can, at the root of it, be rotting you and will eventually lead you to see that. And how seemingly ‘bad’ things will turn out as something richly good (you will know a tree by the fruit it bears). No truth is ever permanently hidden. 

We are like tops spinning on a table – spinning in our own little orbits. None of them touching, yet all of them spinning  furiously. Spinning in our fears yet not going anywhere.  Yet if any of these tops really connected to each other – they might knock for a moment but would eventually stop spinning altogether.  They would still each other’s fears and rest in peace. 

And yet it requires us to fully connect.   With each other.  With God.

Connection is the Key

Its the only place where healing and true power can come from. And unlike avoidance or strategy, it actually removes the obstacle instead of trying to go around it. 

I said that I had stepped out of my comfort zone many times (and done my fair share of emotional cliff diving) and that’s true, but the bigger truth is that most times I didn’t have to.  My biggest discomfort was in being honest with myself  – and not the surface honesty, but the deep dig to China, what was really going on emotionally underneath in the layer after layer after layer of lies and protections I believed.  The fascinating thing, when Grace comes in, you don’t even know what heals.   You’re not trying to meet a certain goal.  Or exact a certain outcome.  You don’t have to.  Things just happen.  Things that you didn’t expect.  Or think of.  But is better than what you could have imagined. And you just become more of the real you.  The one that loves freely and openly without feeling threatened by potential extinction.   The person you always were but somehow deeply convinced it wasn’t OK to be. 

Connection invites Grace to Transform 

It doesn’t mean people will suddenly agree with you.  Or see things the same way.  And that’s good too. Nobody on earth has the exact same perspective.  Or are in the same place. And we aren’t supposed to.  And yet that’s why we are all needed – to come together and share the nugget we have been given.  To be the key for someone else’s lock.  And to allow another to be the key to your own, if you are willing.  But it requires the humility to deeply connect with our own fallibility first and the courage to honestly connect with one another.  In that, Love pours through and transforms everything.   In the face of evil (or anything), Love. Never. Fails. And it all starts first with connecting deeply with those exact fears we are being oppressed by, to experience our humanity and the truth of Gods grace underneath. Only then can we truly understand and connect with others and experience the love, acceptance and healing we so desperately crave.