When I had my epiphany that I needed to change the direction earlier this year – that I would be guided in what I would do – I thought that everything was crystal clear.  Somehow I’ve turned a corner and that things would just rapidly change. Finally I found the key, what was there the whole time, the single thing that I was missing that would ‘change everything’. It certainly felt that way. Like the seas parted and that I had the clarity to move forward with certainty, direction and it would be seamless now. Or so I thought.  

Truth be told, I’ve thought that many times over.   More times than I can count.  I don’t know what it is that it seems I’m always on the lookout for ‘the one thing’ that would change everything.  I’m blessed to have had lots of monumental moments (so grateful for that!) Each epiphany was filled with hope that finally I’d have that missing piece.  It feels good for awhile.  Reality then sets in.  There’s still work to be done. And insight, while inspiring and hopeful, is only a part of the equation. An important part, no doubt, but the easiest part.  

When you unplug long enough to make the space for receiving insight, listen with your sole (and soul) attention, the faucet will flow with answers and inspirations.  The fog lifts, the clarity is razor sharp – you know what you have to do. You have certainty. You can begin. You’re energized with hope and vision. You can start.  The key here is to unplug long enough to nullify the culture voices that are barraging you every moment of the day.

When you unplug long enough to make space for receiving insight the faucet flows with answers and inspirations

I don’t hear too many people talk about the second step though. And the third.  And the 4^th.

When filled with inspiration, the starting is easy.  And if someone requested what you are doing, there’s some pressure to do it quickly to meet expectations. If you are lucky it’ll push you across the finish line where you’ll get some feedback and experience to validate your work and process.

But when its your own call you’re answering, when its important to ‘get right’, when its something you are creating for impact – its not long before the certainty disappears, the fog descends. The doing becomes slower or stops altogether as the clarity becomes a distant memory and hope begins to deflate.

Creating anything always is a leap into the unknown. It goes against logic, control, being in charge of the outcome.  It’s always a dance between being a vessel for what wants to come through while setting yourself aside – setting aside your intentions, ambitions, wishes, desires, visions for the outcome and allow your self to be indefinitely suspended in this unknown place.  

It can be trying.  Not because it’s trying within itself, but because of what eventually comes with it. 

Pursuing that inspiration can be trying, because of what eventually comes with it.

The criticism.  

The doubt.

The crippling uncertainty. 

A therapist I knew once saw called it ‘the committee’  – all those voices that are meaner than the meanest person you’ll ever meet – in attempt to derail you every given moment. Steven Pressfield calls it ‘Resistance’. I’ve come to understand they are indeed active evil forces.  

It’s funny how I never hear them when I’m off binge watching something on Netflix or staying up too late or having way too many cookies and chocolate (ask my husband!).  Nope, those things are apparently ok, despite them leading to my eventual demise.

But to all the other things, the things to deepen my spiritual life, my art, my service and health – front and center – they work overtime.   It sucks.  It’s hard to get things done.  It becomes hard to get started.  It becomes hard to remember why you are doing it and even when you do, there’s a kind of fog wall around it that makes it lose its edges. Energy can deplete and the place of flow elusive.  It’s hard to keep going.  

The other day I read something in a feed The devil is not afraid of your talents, but of your influence. Hmm. I let it turn over slowly in my head. It stayed with me the following day.  And another day after. There was something to this.  There’s no greater way to stop your influence than to erode your confidence shortly after you’ve started.  In fact, I’ve found that for me it’s strongest then.  Once I have the burst of inspiration its easy to let it fuel my action, but when it slows? When inspiration is dry? When contemplation is quiet? When listening is restless?  It’s a whole different ballgame.

One,admittedly, I’m still getting used to playing. 

The devil is not afraid of your talents, but of your influence

And as I’ve made my decision and actively moved towards prioritizing this work, I’ve found myself increasingly strangled.

I don’t like it. 

Apparently it goes hand in hand with any creative endeavor (so I’ve been told).

Coaches will blanket tell you its based on your personal fears.  It’s not the whole truth.  I think the evil committee paints a perilous picture, threatening you every moment of the way, looking to convince you into caving.  If you hear things long enough, you start to believe them.  But is it MY fear? Eh. 

Having a back history of depression, there were many times I wished I could just fast forward my life and get to the end of it.   In other words, the fear of dying wasn’t really one for me.  Yet every fear is supposedly based on that premise – primal survival. So what’s actually driving this ?

Love is.

The spiritual battle is real

The spiritual battle is real.  People are seeing it more today, I think. I hope. Whether they recognize it with what’s happened in our politics, the media or just in our communities. But where it really takes hits, where it’s really taking place, is within ourselves. In our own lives individually.

Yet if people don’t recognize it for what it is, its easy to miss and fall prey to it. And thrash around in a spiral of self destruction.

It’s not a fear of death based in survival as much as a separation from Love (and our very essence) that drives it.  And the most tangible way we experience the expression of God’s Love in this life is through people. 

We don’t fear death as much as we fear losing our connection to God

To create, to desire to create and bring something forth – is an inspiration of Love.  Its a way that God expresses through people for each other.   We may not know how or in what way, our creation or using our talent will be used to influence,  but that silent pull in that direction – its one in which God is calling us for others (and ourselves).

The other clamor yammer is an active representative of those evil forces.  The voices come usually after you start.  But before then, before the words make themselves known, I experience it as actually feeling bound.  Or sometimes a massive heaviness. Resistance is a good word, because its the closest of the experience to it – it feels like you move in slow motion, carrying weights of whatever is clinging on to you, desperately dragging on you, from either sitting down and writing, picking up the paint brush, speaking out and up, doing the next step for your business, doing your workout, making that vulnerable admission to someone you love, or whatever the next step in your call is. Distracting you with other ‘more important’ things, sucking your energy, fogging your brain, making you sick, doing whatever it takes to do a full out assault war to keep Love from being activated in the world.  

Ironically the forces use our own essence of  Love against us – it threatens the separation of Gods Love – from people, from Life. When in reality, the act of creating and sharing itself unites us with others and Gods love for them. And Gods love for us.  It strengthens our communion with God and with each other – the actual opposite of what the committee threatens will happen.  We feel more at peace.  More centered. More rooted and grounded in the timeless nature of who we are.

Creating and sharing strengthens our communion with God – the actual opposite of what the forces threaten will happen.

The evil committee is not effective because we think we will die.  Its effective because we think we will lose our connection to the Love (Gods love).  The Love that flows through people to us. The Love that creates everything. Which is impossible. But we fall for it. Over and over.

And just like the resistance you have in lifting weights, it’s a similar experience in that. It takes extra effort to do. Technically you CAN do it. But you don’t. You don’t know why you don’t. It seems hard. It seems not fun. It needs extra oomph to move through it or even to get started. It can give compelling reasons why not to follow through.  Especially when you don’t recognize it for what it is.  If it doesn’t win with distraction and moving to self sabotage, you are left with sludge work of doing the heavy lifting with all those committee monkeys hanging on your back making it ever so hard to continue and finish. 

What makes more sense to me – is acknowledging that this IS a spiritual war, and committing to the spiritual aspect of it, actively connecting with God,  filling yourself up with that connection, asking for help and strength in prayer and then get started.  Let Grace carry you.

Acknowledge it is a spiritual war and commit to actively connecting with God. Let Grace carry you.

I never believed in creating habits (I was looking for ways to break rules not make more of them!) and yet its critical when engaging in spiritual warfare. You can’t go by how you feel or directed in the moment (Because it usually won’t feel good initially and your direction manipulated). This is especially true if a relationship with God and prayer is not your center.  And even if it is, in any moment, you can be pulled off without your awareness.

You can’t always be in flow (if you are, you aren’t an active threat to the forces).. In fact, when I first read Steven Pressfield’s War of Art, several years ago – I disagreed.  It was not my experience at all.  I was ‘In Flow’ most of the time. Making art was not difficult.  It was an act of surrender which fed me, as I lost track of time and felt nourished.  Same with writing.  In fact, I wrote every day for 3 years straight without issue. It wasn’t until I decided to share my art that I started running into problems.  Problems which, at the time, I thought meant I was not really meant to do this – instead of what they really are.  Spiritual attacks.  

The devil fears not your talent but your influence. 

Spiritual attacks require spiritual armor. An extra dose of Faith. And yes, some rules of prayer, for the healing and Grace to lift you through. You can’t do it yourself.  It’ll attack your very best habits, practices, hacks and tricks, poking every unhealed wound in its mission to derail you.  And when you finish the work, yet another dose or two of prayer for grace and the habit to actually get it out there and deliver your act of Love to those who need it.