It was like a frying pan smacked me in the head. I realized all that I had been in pursuit of was actually creating the very thing I was looking to be free from. I could continue down the road I created years ago or I could leap into the unknown where there could be something else entirely.  I could not do both. 

For those of you that don’t know me well, I’ve been on a spiritual journey that has taken me for a ride over the last 15 years.  This is my next major stop.  Or rather start.   When Jesus says to you its time to let go of your ‘job’ and unconscious motivations behind it, you’d think it’s a no brainer to listen, but it took me 2 months and external prompting to actually do it. Thats the thing with deeply imbedded patterns – they are a dickens to change and they bring up every hidden fear and trauma for a stare down. It was time to let go.  To turn a corner in trusting in this direction I am being led – into the inkiness of the unknown and to let go of these huge boulders disguised as protection and safety while simultaneously keeping me on a treadmill of self-defeat. 

I had been praying  since 2009  to be shown what my direction is, where to go. And I’ve messily followed the path (more details on that in my upcoming book) and I continue to follow it  not quite knowing where I’m going, or how I’m meant to serve.  Or what exactly is ahead. 

I’ve thought I’ve been right where I’ve been wrong.  I thought where I was so wrong, ended up being right.  I have no idea where its going or where I’m ultimately going to end up.  I just know where I am now.   I’ve jumped off the cliff.  But instead of waiting for the net to appear,  I’m standing before the blank canvas of my life, surrendering into that which I’d already been asked to do and to go ahead and actually do it. 

I’ve felt the call to share my journey almost as long as my call to paint.  I’ve written plenty, but sharing – that’s a whole other story.  I have not done a great job of answering that.  More like pretending to answer and then just hanging up.  Until now.  I’m listening and going even deeper than I have before in trusting God, not only in the small things in life, but the risky big ones too. 

To give you some insight – I have had an Achilles heel, kryptonite fear of being seen for as long as I can remember.  The crippling fear at its worst was horrific public speaking and at its best, the shy one, panicking in the corner.  To an outsider it may not seem like much, but on the inside, I’ve died a million times. Every time I went to any social gathering, no matter how small, with any remote amount of attention on me, my whole system hay-wired and the room swayed.  This included visiting family too. Heart pummeling in my ears, couldn’t breathe, sweating profusely, brain stopped working, couldn’t even think. Just pure misery.  It was like this as early as I can remember.   

Understandably, I took every opportunity to avoid feeling that (who wouldn’t?). It was so bad, I avoided courses and whole realms of study to not have to do any public speaking or in generally getting out there.  As a young adult, I didn’t even want to pick up the phone for as little as making an appointment.   I used to get mild panic attacks just from the idea of going to a grocery store by myself. Or even in answering the door for trick or treat during Halloween. (How sad is that?) When I was forced to be in front of a stage for class/work, I would shake so bad I couldn’t hold a piece of paper without it rattling.  I would literally lose my shit along with my appetite just thinking about it. I broke into such a sweat, my body shutting down, I would actually start to see stars.  

I share this because its a big deal for me to share anything personal and may shed some light on the gravity of the project I’m taking on and the trust I am putting in not only the direction but also the timing. This project is the sharing of this new stage of my journey, because it’s what I’m being asked to do.  And its  not actually that its the first time I’ve been called to document and share my journey of discovery – It’s taken 10 years of the phone ringing.  Actually if I go back even further, its probably closer to 34.   Its taken a lot of healing to get here.  Seriously.  A lot.  I won’t go into thee nitty gritty of my story here, but I can tell you I’ve gone from having difficulty going to the grocery store alone to traveling for weeks alone to the other side of the world. I’m probably still terrible at public speaking – I haven’t tried it in a few years but thats part of what all this is, I guess.  The next step into the unknown.

I know there are others where the phone has been ringing.  Maybe its your time to answer it too. A few months ago,  I asked myself, if I died tomorrow, what would be my biggest regret?  I was in tears when I realized it was in not following through fully on Gods call after asking for it for so many years. 

So here’s the public beginning of vulnerability in answering the call.   I may stop and start.   It’s most likely going to be messy and ugly.  Maybe a bit unoriginal or backwards. Or hypocritical as I stumble backwards, forwards and back again.   I don’t know what it’s going to be.  Or how it’s going to turn out.  It’ll be raw.  It’ll be real. It’ll be an adventure.  (And it’ll probably still continue to give me a mild heart attack as I see it through)

This is the same I approach my canvases – leaning into the silence of Love and following the directions pulling me. And witnessing the pain and healing of it in the process. This is a capture of that same communion into not just a painting, but into life. 

That means :  no strategies, no plans other than to create space for listening and following through in sharing whatever that is.  Whether its a painting, a story, a journey, a recipe, an idea, healing, invitations, challenges or something else that I don’t even know of yet, this blog is meant to share the process, of stepping into the life of Faith into what Gods plan is versus my own. I have no idea of exactly what’s in store.  We’ll see together – and this is my invitation to you to join me on the ride.